From worrier to warrior

I have been a worrier for most of my adult life. Worrying about not being enough, not having enough or not achieving enough.

I lived by the measures and ideas of other people, and at the same time never went all-in on them. Things mostly just happened to me the way I wanted them to happen, but I never achieved anything great. I always imagined finding unconventional solutions to my problems, and I did. The path of least resistance had my name on it, but my ego was chasing the same illusive dreams everyone else was chasing. I was working long hours, chained to a soul destroying job for the sake of a pay check and a little bit of pride. I would turn to drugs and drinking on the weekend to forget about it and feel some sort of togetherness with others. I would buy fancy things to justify the long hours and gain a consolation of temporary happiness. Travel to nice places and post shit on Instagram to get peer approval. A life consumed by mindless distractions. After a major break up and years of neglected feelings, a mushroom trip gone sideways had unexpected consequences.

I began to experience severe anxiety and panic attacks. I had raped my soul long enough living a life that was not true to my heart, and the stress was eating away at my mental and physical health. My body and soul clearly wanted me to retreat from the influences of a life that wasn’t mine. I lacked meaning in my life and anxiety came to show me that. By far the darkest emotions I had ever experienced started to manifest seemingly out of nothing, and the constant worrying about questions like “is this gonna stay forever?” compounded into severe anxiety. There were many forks in the road, but I had finally hit rock bottom.

Stop running

One morning when I thought I was feeling much better, when I thought I could just go back to business as usual, I heard this voice in my head warning me, ”The worst is yet to come!” When anxiety hit me, I would feel like I was knocked out of this world for days. The feeling of unreality, as if life was rolling by in a movie right before my eyes, but without my participation in it. That was the most terrifying part. The racing thoughts, the burning sensations in my arms and legs and the constant fear of “what if this is gonna last for the rest of my life?”, would paralyse me for days. It felt like the world was ending.

Much like an elimination diet for the mind, I withdrew from all the noise and fake obligations. Sometimes being happy doesn’t mean adding more happy things to your life, but removing the ones that detract from your happiness. Retreating was a natural choice. It helped me to get a clear picture of what was happening to me, but in retrospect I understand that retreating is the exact opposite of what anxiety wants you to do. It’s counter intuitive, but when you retreat from your normal life and drop out of societal norms, you’re then confronted with a whole new set of fears.

Trusting that this would be a perfectly normal process was one of the hardest challenges. My body and soul needed time and energy to heal the damage I inflicted upon them from decades of neglected feelings from having lived toxic values. Looking back I felt like Homer when he was downing that infamous vodka-mayonnaise: putting off the problems of tomorrow for the pleasures of today.

We are emotional beings, but living in a culture that discourages us from exploring and expressing these emotions freely. Instead, society encourages us to stick to the rules, play it safe, get a job, have kids and not ask questions. I don’t have to tell you that your well-paid but meaningless job is just another distraction from asking the right questions. Nor should I have to mention that being a travel or running addict is just more of the same. Stop running for once and start listening.

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? — Rumi

Anxiety, to me, is a symptom of a gravity pull. Your soul compass wants you to go left and you go right. And then right again. And again… Your intuition tells you to be of service to other people, to tell your loved ones that you indeed do love them, to finally go out into nature and discover what it is to be a part of it, but your ego wants a six-figure salary. Guess who’s always winning the battle in the end?

Make a choice

So there I was, sleeping on my parents’ couch, not being able to leave the apartment for days. Severe anxiety had crippled me, and I totally bought into the illusion of not being able to do anything on my own anymore. At some point I got accepted for a six week program in a clinic. Although I knew some people got out of there healed, doing such a thing felt like giving up on myself. At that point it all boiled down to one decision: either I could see myself as a victim and blame my circumstances, or I take full responsibility and find the light inside of me again. Choices matter.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change — Max Planck

Wanting to be “safe” means that you fear uncertainty. Thus the process of trying to be safe makes you susceptible to uncertainty — hence more unsafe. The only safe thing about following societies’ prescription is a life unfulfilled, full of regrets and “what ifs”. I decided to not let life just happen to me anymore, but instead decided to dig in the rudder and go hard against the wind. I decided that I would not let anxiety define me and instead take whatever it would throw at me as an opportunity to grow. I decided that I would find my own way. Let’s be honest, it’s s easy to feel good when you’re healthy, your bills are paid and you’re in a happy relationship. But that’s not where growth happens. Only pain has the power to make or break you. You will only be able to develop a real sense of security when you are able to trust yourself again. When you trust that no matter what life is throwing at you, you will always choose courage over fear, embrace the unknown and know that the world will carry you.

The data for a decision for any given situation is infinite. — Alan Watts

The high road of your soul is not about giving in to your fears, but facing them, only to find out that on the other side of fear is life. Fear wants to be acknowledged as a part of you. It is here to help you to become the person you were destined to be. It might be hard to see when it feels like your world is falling apart, but giving in to anxiety will only make it stronger. It all starts with a decision: you have got to make a declaration. Your mind is only stressed when you let go of something, because it is able to measure what you will lose. It is not able to measure what you will gain.

Be water my friend

Shortly after I made the decision to stand tall and look anxiety in the eye, I learned that it won’t kill me. Even though the dark days still felt like I was dying, but they wouldn’t get the better of me. I would still get out of bed in the morning and drag myself to work. My ship was still sailing through the storm, but at least the captain wasn’t hiding below deck anymore. I felt like Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump’s famous “pray for shrimp” scene and in the end… ships are made for sailing.

To me there are two ways in life: the way of the rock and the way of the water. The rock stands strong against the tide, but the tide will wash it away if you give it enough time. Water will always move with the energy and channel it. Nicholas Nassim Taleb refers to it as being “antifragile”. Biological organisms are antifragile. Put them under a certain amount of stress and they will get stronger. So instead of disciplining my emotions I decided to be a river for them. I chose to move with the energy and gain strength from adversity, instead of trying to build up brick walls and safe guards around me.

Therapists might tell you about non identification with emotions and thoughts and how to not block the feeling and to just let it flow through you. Understanding the concept on a rational level is always easy, but knowing what it meant for me emotionally was a different ball game.

what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size — Carl Jung

I felt like a drop of water on a leaf: about to plunge into the lake, desperately trying to hold on to a reality that was inevitably lost. The day I gave up and let myself fall into the deep dark abyss of uncertainty, into the infinite rivers of potentiality was the day I became one with nature again.

It is as if your emotions are now just passing through you like a swift breeze, telling you “Hey, here I am, don’t forget about me!”. As long as you stay indifferent and are able to respond “That’s ok, I don’t mind,” then your emotions won’t have any control over you anymore. The Tao Te Ching refers to it as Wu Wei or “non forcing.” Staying open to what could be, rather than forcing your will upon nature.

Don’t stop running

One step at a time, just keep pushing, don’t give up. Ever. Anxiety will try to hold you back and when it does just look back and give yourself some credit for how far you’ve come. Truly reflect on it and let other people help you see how brave you are. Chances are high that your anxious mind won’t be able to see it, but you are already on your way now.

You don’t have to believe in concepts like “the soul” to know that there is a calling deep inside of you. A calling that you don’t take too seriously. It wants you to do things that you know within yourself would make you feel joyful and happy, but you never gave yourself permission to even try. We always find excuses and strip ourselves from the things that would make our lives fulfilled.

When I asked my grandmother what her dreams in life were she immediately answered:”I always wanted to open a café with a good friend of mine!”. She is suffering from dementia, but this thing was so present to her that she had instant access to that dream of hers. When I asked her if she regretted not having tried, she answered: “Ahh you know, if I was regretting all the things I didn’t do in my life, I’d go nuts!”. BOOM. It hit me like a truck. I was amazed by the fact that she was apparently able to push it away and not beat herself up about it, but at the same time I was shocked to see a part of myself in her. Always giving up when things became too hard. I love you grandma and I am grateful for everything you gave me… but in that moment I knew that I don’t want to have the same answer when I am old.

Don’t wait for the day you are “whole” again to live the life you always wanted. Live the life you always wanted to become whole. — Unknown

In my old life the pressure of following my dreams became a seemingly impossible task and only added to the despair of not feeling whole. This new wave of consciousness only allowed me to take baby steps at first, as far as solving those problems, so curiosity had to suffice. I started making a list of the things I always wanted to do. Nothing was too small or too stupid. Once I had started coming up with the first items on the list my imagination kicked in and produced a vivid teaser of how things could be. The tickly feeling in my guts would be the captain confirming my course of action.

I always wanted to make a plant pot from concrete. I did it. I always wanted to work on a farm and live the life of a country boy. I did it. I always wanted to play the guitar. I started taking lessons. Now these things might not sound life changing, but when I was driving that old tractor through the sunny fields I felt pure bliss for the first time in years. The days could be dark inside and outside, but the darkness would subside when I played the guitar during my lessons. The concrete pot stands for creativity and how reality always starts with a thought. I am looking at it right now and it still gives me a sense of accomplishment and joy in a way no plant pot from a shop could ever do. You don’t have to change the world. Start with something seemingly small. Start with the world inside of you and you will find that it is infinite.

Shifting the boundaries

When the severe anxiety passed and the deep dark black holes turned into smaller puddles of mud, I knew it was time to take the next step. What was my biggest fear in the last two years? To be alone in a place where it would be hard to get help. I decided to go to East Africa for three months. Alone. Without a plan. I would be leaving the safe zone of my home, alone. I would be far away from home in a land that is deemed “unsafe” and unknowing what the immediate future would hold. At the same time, it was a critical step for me to understand that I can recalibrate my anxiety and teach my body again what true dangers are. First I was afraid of Malaria, then I was afraid of camping in the wild, then it was having no cell phone reception and at last it was being in the middle of nowhere with just one spare tire, no police around and people carrying their AK-47s in the streets.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. — William Ernest Henley

When you make the choice to turn your back on what other people call “safe” or “common sense”, that’s day 1 of your journey to real freedom. It’s time to open yourself up to life again and let the light shine through the cracks, so make sure you’re prepared to not only deal with your own thoughts and worries but with the full set of other peoples’ thoughts and worries. They want to keep you “safe”, that’s what their monkey mind is evolutionarily programmed for. That’s not you. The voice you chose to listen to is one of defiance. Anxiety can’t exist in the face of a determined mind. It will lose its illusory form when you walk right into it. My ship was on its way to the quiet eye of the storm.

Keep your eyes on the prize

I often found myself sharing freely the experience of what was happening to me from day one and I met so many people along the way who either went through something very similar or knew somebody who did. The numbers for anxiety and depression are going through the roof in the Western world and we don’t really know why. All I know is that calling it a “disease” will always shift your perspective to what’s wrong with you. I believe that our bodies have incredible self-regulating and self-healing powers and so do our minds. To me anxiety and depression are often a symptom of a sensitive mind in an unnatural world. I decided to not buy into labels anymore and it helped me to shift my perspective to one of healing and opportunity.

Severe anxiety is like a battle royale between you and your mind. Today I know how to regulate my emotions. I can easily navigate my ship through the storm and even if it feels unpleasant, I don’t let it get the better of me anymore. Instead, I keep my eyes on what’s waiting for me on the other side and drown out the voice of uncertainty with the voice of my new found self reliance. Anxiety is a cruel mistress; she can turn on a dime on the smallest flame of self doubt. She is on the constant lookout for the weak spot of your armour. But even if she crawls back up on you, you will look her in the eye and ask:”Is that all you got?”.

It’s as though I am able to protect the downside, but I don’t cap the upside anymore. It actually feels like I can even leverage the upside. I am finally able to feel joy, love and happiness again and I can even call on them whenever I feel like doing it. I now know how to defuse negative thought patterns and shift focus to something else in order to bring my mind back to a flow state. A warrior isn’t fearless, but just aware that fear is nothing but an illusion. He understands fear as an existential part of the human condition and is at peace with his emotions. And because he has confronted his inner daemons in his trainings so many times before, the upcoming fight doesn’t impress him anymore. He is prepared now.